Valentine's Day - Linkin Park

My life is so SCREWED UP!
One minute it's all cool, and the next I'm having some massive argument with Ajay, and he's close to yelling at me, and I'm so angry I don't even know why. It's so stupid, and I'm now in bloody tears because I feel bad. I'm such a bitch. :( Why do I do these things?! Every time I speak my mind, people realise how much I'm holding back and they hate me. I can;t manage being myself and being friends.
Maybe I'll just be myself from now on? and see if anyone still puts up with me. i doubt they would.
But, i'm still mad, he has all these ridiculous ideas and the way he lives is so strange...pets and owners? what? It just sounds so wrong. But, what the hell do I care? He's just some randomer anyway...he'll go away eventually.
I'm pissed off with kevin, too. He's a big, fat liar! Grrrrr.
And, of course, then there's Ivan...our Russian Playboy.
The one who apparently pulled Treeva in the music block today, but, he denies it, except now I'm not so certain about that. He acts strangely, too.

Arg.
It's at times like these I really miss Jon being around. But, of course, that's all good and well if he gave a crap whether I lived or died.
Why has everyone become so shite?
I'm probably going to fail all of my exams, and just die alone.
It's so...hard. This life, it really is. I have to put so much effort in, and smile all day, and pretend I am sooo fine. That I enjoy every minute. But, I don't. I hate, every day, every second. It drives me mad. When I try, I know I'll fail, so why bother? Why not delude myself a while longer? That i may actually have ability...

There are days when I really wish, more than anything that I'd never existed. I still do. I want to vanish and never come back; leave all of these people behind, change who I am and never, ever look back at a single one of the people, or promises I have in my life.
My life...it's just not ever going to be what I need it to be.

And, the longer I stay, the harder it gets for me.

It's so stupid, but, more than anything else I'd just love to have a day where...where I didn't feel like everything was fracturing around me...or more, inside me, because it feels like that and it hurts, my chest hurts all the time. I want to believe when someone says something nice to me. But, i can't. I can't believe that anyone would ever talk to, look at or know me and think the things they say. Maybe I am just a GIANT pessimist, but I don't care anymore.
I really, couldn't give a shit about what people think I must be because of how I feel. I want nothing more than to just replace myself...

But, for the moment, I need to transform myself, more. In to the perfect student. I won't go out with my friends anymore. I'll see that at school, that will be enough, and then I will work my little ...big...socks off until I can go to university. Then, once I'm through that...I won't be coming home ever again, or commuincating with the people I leave behind, or used to know.
In the end, all you need is yourself.

I only hope that I can wait that long...because sometime I almost don't go home again...
Well, what would it matter anyway? I don't expect anyone to follow me but my family, and they only would for show. For the expected love of family. Because it's not there.

Oh well. What a good, self-pitying life story I have. I'm so glad hardly anyone reads this. Mostly because, people would PRETEND they gave a crap about how I felt, and then suggest I should talk to my parents or something else. But, I don't want to. I'll always keep how I really feel hidden properly. because this doesn't cover half of the emotions I feel. But, none of them really matter.
I'm going to go to bed, have a cry, and attempt to sleep before day-break. Doesn't matter, it rarely happens.

Frankie...the idiot.

Shimey, Shimey, Quarter Turn.

I've been rather busy recently.
RAG week is so much hard work! But, so much fun.
We're doing a dance to Fame and Candyman. :) David's agreed to be in it, so that makes : Luke, Daniel, David, and Usaid to my knowledge. Then of course there's the rest of us, like Nina, Naomi and myself etc.
Anyway, I'm working on more Physics coursework, which has proven itself to be hazardous to the safety of my classmates. Let's just say..the experiment I'm working on is violent and Song-Yi almost got hit with a kg moving at around 40mph.
But, that's lots of fun. :) My teacher sent me down the corridor with a HUGE knife...I felt like a serial killer...haha.

Stuff has been so weird lately...it's so confusing and irritating. :(
Basically...I have no interest in these people and they don't leave well enough alone. There's this guy I know, and much as he's lovely...er...well, not happening. Except, he thinks that it is. He thinks we're in a relationship...um...hello?! I mean, first off...if he'd asked me or something I might understand, but he hasn't and I'd definitely say no. But, if I say something I'm worried about how he'd act about...considering he's convinced himself we have a relationship. I don't know what to do! :(

Okay, then there's another guy, Sam, who's been my mate for simply agesssss and he got drunk and came on MSN the other day...then suddenly blurted out that he really fancied me. O_O Erughhhhhh.
Okay, why? Seriously, there is no reason for people to fancy me...:/ I don't have anything going for me, certainly not enough to warrant more than one person liking me.
But, no...there's also Charlie, who, oh, even better...has a girlfriend. WTF?! I pretty much told him to f*** off, but, it's still really weird. Abd, he won't take no for an answer. Which considering he has a girlfriend, if I didn't not want the poor girl in tears I'd tell her. I don't even know the girl but a guy like that is bad news. Full stop.

Anyway, enough about my screwed up friends.
I bought myself an Xbox 360 over half-term. It's awesome!
Okay, fine, I stil need to set it up...but, whatever. Alice and I are both going to get Xbox Live and thrash Peter and Simon on it! Muwahaha.
Alice has invited me to her birthday party, I'm really pleased because I was worried she wouldn't, but she did, she said I'm a really close friend. :)That was really nice to hear. ^^

But, yeah, I've bought myself some pretty cool games for the Xbox. :) :) :)
I suppose I'm no too bad right now...I'm getting happier. ^^
Natalie just sent me some pretty epic music, too!:) :) Nat's so awesome.
Bleh, I don't feel too well.
I have dance tomorrow, too. Thank God I only have three lessons tomorrow. :)
Oh, and a maths test...and a RAG meeting with MR. Keeble. haha.
Fun, fun, fun, when do i eat?
Oh, yeah...I barely do anymore.

Oh, yeah...my BMI is 16. :)