Just in case they're wondering
They've got us pinned terribly
They don't believe our love is real
Cause they don't know how real love feels
You should know it's true
Just now, the part about my love for you
And how my heart's about burst
Into a thousand pieces
Oh it must be true
And They'll believe us too soon
Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
The word black is black
And blue is just blue
My love is true
It's a matter of fact
Oh, and you love me too
It's as simple as that
Baby, our love is true
They may say some awful things
But there's no point in listening
Your words are the only words
That I believe in afterwards.
You should know it's true
Just now, the part about my love for you
And how my heart's about burst
Into a thousand pieces
So it must be true
And they'll believe us too soon
Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
The way black is black
And blue is just blue
My love is true
It's a matter of fact
Oh, and you love me too
It's as simple as that
Baby, our love is true
It's true
Oh oh oh
It's true
Oh oh ohhh
It's true
Whoa oh ohhh
Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
The way black is black
And blue is just blue
My love is true
It's a matter of fact
Oh, and you love me too
It's as simple as that
Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
The way black is black
And blue is just blue
My love is true
It's a matter of fact
Oh, and you love me too
It's as simple as that
Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
Ohhh
Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
Baby, it's fact
Ohhh
Baby, it's fact
Our love
Our love is true
I LOVE HelloGoodbye!
Omg, Heroes comes back on air today! Waa-hoo and Zachary Quinto's cotton socks with cherries. Okay...maybe that was a bit weird. XD Haha.
Anyway, anyway, anyway, so, it's been...um...four days since my last post, correct?
Of course, I could just check and then change this if I'm wrong, but I can't be bothered.
There is STILL snow outside.
I hate snow.
So much.
It's like...hell slushies. I don't like slushies either, if you hadn't guessed from that. I doubt anyone actually could guess that from that though.
So, okay, no school on Wednesday and Thursday. Then school ending early on Friday.
Met Jonathan after school, swapped (late) Christmas presents, and went to Kingston.
CEx is my love.
Well, not my only love...one of them. One of the not actual love loves...just love. If that makes sense. :)
Anyway, I have to stop saying anyway all the time when I run out of topics...
I haven't actually run out, just, wanted to change topic...which I do anyway.
Anyway...
Did that without even thinking about it! Ahhhhh! Lucky for me that I no longer study English, I suppose. I miss English, and History.
I think I'll become a geneticist is nothing else works out, or a journalist...maybe a historian and go and live in some desert somewhere...or, oh, I could do game design, or...fashion...or...Quantum Physics :P Or...I'd love to do writing...hmm...I want to be a dicrector! That sounds like so much fun!
But, my heart always turns to something (QP) I probably don't have the ability for. :(
Okay, well, I guess I shouldn't give up.
I have a new DA account.
Ivan just told me something amusing:
20:17 Ivan: I wanted to say good luck to you on friday but you kind of looked at me and walked away haha
Hahahahahahahahahaha.
How mean of me!
I didn't actually realise this at the time though...I don't even know when he's talking about but i love the fact that I just 'looked at him' and then walked away. Like 'pfft, as if.'
He's quite sweet really, even if we're not close friends anymore.
THAT BITCH TREEVA!
Ehem. She is though. As soon as I told Ivan I wasn't gonna hang out as much she was in there, and doesn't ever leave him alone.
Thing is, everyone thinks it's weird, 1- because she acts like his gf and she has a bf already. 2- because she's a bitch. 3- because they're not the type of people who're normally friends.
Okay, okay, so, I don't like her, never have, and now she's even more horrible to me.
But, Ivan and I will always be mates, we're too cool not to be haha.
But, who really cares.
We're going to have a KFC winter picnic...in a greenhouse! Next week.
Yau, Yaidenlina, Tom, Caroline, Aysia, Gourdan, Sho, James, Will, Flynn, Hannah and I. :) It'll be fun.
Yeah...the idea was mine, if you didn't guess.
We're having pokemon cupcakes, too. Also my idea...and James' obsession.
Oh, yes, almost forgot...
I HAD THE BEST PRESENT EVER FOR CHRISTMAS FROM JONATHAN! (ehem)
Okay, so I asked for it. But, I have a Helix pendant!!!! OMG, it's so awesomeeeeee.<3!
*Victory dance*
But, I'd better go and watch Dollshouse before it gets too late and my Heroes DOUBLE Bill [ Omgshdjfurtdnshsgsfdhfdkgkldjs!!!!!!] <--- That'd be an exclamation of uber excitement.
I've decided something...
I'm not going to make a fuss about stuff anymore. I'm going to keep to myself, do my own thing, hang out with my friends, work hard, and try not to dwell on the things that have upset me recently. There's probably no point in getting upset about it anymore. I don't think he wants me there anymore, in any capacity, and much as that hurts I can't change it, after all...*sigh* so, I'll just be myself and hope that's not the case. Because I'd miss him a lot.
No doubt...at some point this view of mine will change but I don't want things to be horrid between us, because it's the most horrible thing ever. :(
I just want...I dunno...him to always be happy. :)
I still remember days,
Things weren't always this way.
I used to make you smile. If only for a while.
I know that people change, maybe you're no to blame, but must you burn a hole, so deep into my soul?
Saturday 9 January 2010
Tuesday 5 January 2010
Crisis
"A beautiful story left incomplete, oh, how he knocked me off my feet. Why'd you only shoot me half way to the moon?
And, I can't get over that, over that.
Baby, after loving Jack. There's no going back, going back."
Well, I'm back from holiday now. Have been for...a few days now. I got back on New Year's Day, at, surprisingly for me, 2pm. Wow, early!
Anyway, the panto went really well in the end, on the last day.
Even if the day before was a bit...upsetting, I guess you'd call it.
Michael was even more self-obsessed than usual...which is something in itself. God, he's so damned irritating, I want to hit him. Oh, wait, been there, done that.
If he didn't show me once, her showed me no less than fifteen times his new dance move for his part in the panto. He was Prince 'not so' Charming.
We cleared up the blocks afterwards (Laura, David and I)...because everyone else had left! But, it wasn't too much trouble, really. As we were walking back from the Drama studios, Laura and I were walking ahead and, out of the blue I might add, David just went,
"You walk very stylishly, don't you?" To me.
Okay, how to you respond to something like THAT?! I just went 'Um, do I?'
Oh, yes, but Laura found it hilarious. As soon as we were back in the common room and David went to take his make-up off, she started laughing and, according to her it was 'Nerd-Flirting.' Oh great. Just great.
Not.
Anyway, so, as that was the last day of term, we all said goodbye, and went home. I left that night at 7 or something for Wales, and was there for two weeks.
I read, played on the playstation, slept, and watched boxsets. Wow, go me. I'm surprised I'm not fat now.
Got snowed in at one point, too. Oh, fun, fun, fun.
No internet, phone signal or communication with anyone for two weeks. That was just...spiffing.
Got home on the first. No, didn't go to any parties. In fact, I missed, not one, but TWO parties.
Sho's, on the 27th, where we were all gonna stay round at his and make taki yaki and watch crappy movies. Kinda glad I missed it actually. And, Jenna's on New Years Day. Okay, I'm not put out that i missed either...but, I have to pretend to be so that they don't get offended.
So, got home, lucky me and...fell asleep. I like sleep.
Actually had a phonecall, too.
See, I asked him if he would...not actually expecting to keep his...okay, it wasn't exactly a promise, but, whatever. I pretty much have gotten used to the fact that, if I ask something of Jonathan, he 99% of the time won't remember it.
So, imagine my surprise when my phone rang, and I answered to hear his voice. Actually took me a second to get over the shock of him remembering.
Probably shouldn't let him know that...
But, anyway, it was nice of him.
Went back to school on the 4th. God, that was a horrid day. But, I got to read my book, and although I was interrupted every other minute by people, insiting on hugging me, and kissing my cheek. I mean, what is up with that?! Why do girls keep kissing me?!!!! It actually creeps me out, majorly.
Oh, yeah, I've come to the conclusion that I hate women. Because, it's true. yay, Misogynist!
I mean, guys, yeah. But, girls, just no. In fact, most guys, just no. I think boys are scared of me...I guess being weird as I am must put everyone off...except lesbians. How pathetic my life is.
Girls take more interest in me openly, than boys do. The boyfriends I have had...arg...two were idiots, the third used me to vent his anger...with whatever weapon was handy at the time...and the last...it's buckets o' confusing.
Met up with James Linehan on Monday, after school, and he went over the C1 stuff with me, because I fail...as per usual.
But, it was useful, so, here's hoping for next Monday.
Tuesday...had lessons...actually barely spoke to anyone. Then went to Simon's to do Biology exam revision for next week. We got quite a lot of work done, and downloaded some podcasts about the stuff we need to revise so we can listen to them in the background until we remember.
Then we just chatted to Alice on msn. It was hilarious.
So, today, I was supposed to have school but it snowed. So, no school.
I was supposed to meet up with Jonathan...that didn't happen either.
I should stop predicting these things...they always come true.
Bloody still snowing, so I doubt there'll be school tomorrow, either, oh, great. Not.
I don't honestly know what I want out of life anymore, but, one thing I do know is I want out.
As soon as possible.
As soon as I'm old enough to walk out that door and never look back, I'm doing it. Get away from my family, everyone I know, this life. I don't want it anymore. All that seems to happen is one crushing thing after another. I'm reaching a limit here.
And I'm tired. Tired of coping with emotions that I neither understand, nor want.
To myself, I sound pathetic, but, I honestly can't deny that I've been building up to this for a long time.
Maybe I'm not perfect, maybe I don't try my hardest, or understand why people do things. But, at least I try. I try so hard for the people I know and care about. To be what they ask of me, to listen when they need it. I really do. Yeah, I'm self-pitying, sure. I don't care anymore. I want something good for myself.
I know there are people worse off than me, who don't have a family even one as small as mine, or their's abuse them, and terrible things but...I'm not going to say it touches the surface for me either. It means nothing. Maybe I'm cold-hearted, but, sure, though I'm thankful for what I have, and it could be that I'm greedy for more, honestly, I don't think it's too much for me to want something.
And, I don't think I'm going to find any of the things I need where I am.
I feel like I've turned into someone else, but, I don't want to be me, anyway.
The things I feel, they don't go away. And, maybe I'm just not meant to not hurt, maybe other people are like this, too. Maybe, everyone is.
I don't know what it is, I wish I did I just know that physically it hurts.
I felt better for all of a week...and then the world comes crashing back down. The way everyone acts, and I'm just as bad. I shouldn't judge others, when I hear the gossip, too. Probably no better than any one of them, but it hurts.
People are so cruel to one another. We bitch about our friends, we betray those we care about, we lie, work towards our own gains...there is no trust. I don't trust them anymore because much as I wish I could, I've seen it too many times to think that the people I care about won't hate me, bitch about me, see some fault in me.
The stupid thing is, whoever reads this, will probably think I sound suicidal. Funny thing is, I'd never consider suicide. I like myself too much for that. But, there is nothing I hate more than myself. If I was someone else, and I knew me...I would hate me. As myself, of course I feel upset when epople hate me, but I can actually see why. It's like there's this thing in me...that you just can't like. Sooner or later, you hate me. And, I'll feel like shit, meet new friends...however much later...they hate me, too. I don't know what it is about me that makes people feel that way about me.
I don't even know why I hate myself. or, why, when I look in the mirror I feel sick, so sick.
And yet I induldge in vanity, kidding myself. I bloody well confuse myself trying to be normal. I wonder if I have an actual personality, or not.
I'm pretty sure my mum hates me really, it's just the compulsory love that she has. She has to love me because I'm family. But, not really. I don't know, I just don't. I hate sounding like a silly little emo-chick. I'm not depressed, i don't want to kill myself, my ego is larger than a double decker bus, and I can be the biggest bitch I've ever encountered.
But, at the same time, I feel like it'd all be a lot better off without me there, I loathe what I am, I can't have faith in anything i do or my abilities, and I feel so guilty and obligated to attempt to help people.
I'm probably mental...that'd be my kinda luck.
Or, just a normal teenager.
Evene with that I fail. I don't want to drink, I don't want to drive, I want to live at home for uni because of the financial side, I've never wanted to smoke, or see what drugs are like...none of that pulls at me. Growing up...there's nothing in it that I see as desirable.
I can't even picture myself grown-up. No one else seems to have that problem.
Everyone at school knows...they see a family, a home, work, normal things like that. They assume love, and happiness. The boyfriends they have, it's always forever. they always love them more than anything.
I can't picture a home, or getting married. I can't think that would ever happen to me. I don't see myself ever having children. It doesn't interest me. I want to work, but I want to do my own thing. I don't assume that I'll have love...I doubt I will, or happiness...that'd make a nice change.
Boyfriends...I've never thought of as permenant. I've always seen that there will be an end, I usually manage to pin point it, too. On the most part, inside, I have very few feelings about connections to others.
I want to feel something, I do. Stupid thing is, when I did...I realised it far too late. I didn't expect it. Not one bit. Shocked the hell out of me. And even that's a lost cause, isn't it? I can't expect anything, I don't. I never really did.
People say they care about me, but, really, I don't think that's the case. I think it's what everyone does. They pretend. They say they love someone, they say they care, in any way, but really it's just words with no back-up. Nothing real. Nothing essential to that is there.
There are too many questions I don't know the answers to. It's so frustrating. But, I just wish that, for once, one day, there's just one person...I'm not even saying like...love, just a friend, at least who doesn't hate me the way I am. I don't want to spend my whole life on my own.
Being young doesn't change the fact, that I think I've lost whatever I had.
I wish there was a part in this story, where I could say that, ' and then it turned out, that, in actual fact...' and write an ending to it.
Sadly, I can't. The funny thing is, I would write myself more pain, most probably.
The things I know about, they're not all that useful in every day life.
I'd rather be anywhere but here.
Sometimes, I wish I'd never met someone who managed to make me bloody care. But, I don't, and I do. I want to hate them, but I can't, because...i can't. I think I just ruin things for people.
And, I can't get over that, over that.
Baby, after loving Jack. There's no going back, going back."
Well, I'm back from holiday now. Have been for...a few days now. I got back on New Year's Day, at, surprisingly for me, 2pm. Wow, early!
Anyway, the panto went really well in the end, on the last day.
Even if the day before was a bit...upsetting, I guess you'd call it.
Michael was even more self-obsessed than usual...which is something in itself. God, he's so damned irritating, I want to hit him. Oh, wait, been there, done that.
If he didn't show me once, her showed me no less than fifteen times his new dance move for his part in the panto. He was Prince 'not so' Charming.
We cleared up the blocks afterwards (Laura, David and I)...because everyone else had left! But, it wasn't too much trouble, really. As we were walking back from the Drama studios, Laura and I were walking ahead and, out of the blue I might add, David just went,
"You walk very stylishly, don't you?" To me.
Okay, how to you respond to something like THAT?! I just went 'Um, do I?'
Oh, yes, but Laura found it hilarious. As soon as we were back in the common room and David went to take his make-up off, she started laughing and, according to her it was 'Nerd-Flirting.' Oh great. Just great.
Not.
Anyway, so, as that was the last day of term, we all said goodbye, and went home. I left that night at 7 or something for Wales, and was there for two weeks.
I read, played on the playstation, slept, and watched boxsets. Wow, go me. I'm surprised I'm not fat now.
Got snowed in at one point, too. Oh, fun, fun, fun.
No internet, phone signal or communication with anyone for two weeks. That was just...spiffing.
Got home on the first. No, didn't go to any parties. In fact, I missed, not one, but TWO parties.
Sho's, on the 27th, where we were all gonna stay round at his and make taki yaki and watch crappy movies. Kinda glad I missed it actually. And, Jenna's on New Years Day. Okay, I'm not put out that i missed either...but, I have to pretend to be so that they don't get offended.
So, got home, lucky me and...fell asleep. I like sleep.
Actually had a phonecall, too.
See, I asked him if he would...not actually expecting to keep his...okay, it wasn't exactly a promise, but, whatever. I pretty much have gotten used to the fact that, if I ask something of Jonathan, he 99% of the time won't remember it.
So, imagine my surprise when my phone rang, and I answered to hear his voice. Actually took me a second to get over the shock of him remembering.
Probably shouldn't let him know that...
But, anyway, it was nice of him.
Went back to school on the 4th. God, that was a horrid day. But, I got to read my book, and although I was interrupted every other minute by people, insiting on hugging me, and kissing my cheek. I mean, what is up with that?! Why do girls keep kissing me?!!!! It actually creeps me out, majorly.
Oh, yeah, I've come to the conclusion that I hate women. Because, it's true. yay, Misogynist!
I mean, guys, yeah. But, girls, just no. In fact, most guys, just no. I think boys are scared of me...I guess being weird as I am must put everyone off...except lesbians. How pathetic my life is.
Girls take more interest in me openly, than boys do. The boyfriends I have had...arg...two were idiots, the third used me to vent his anger...with whatever weapon was handy at the time...and the last...it's buckets o' confusing.
Met up with James Linehan on Monday, after school, and he went over the C1 stuff with me, because I fail...as per usual.
But, it was useful, so, here's hoping for next Monday.
Tuesday...had lessons...actually barely spoke to anyone. Then went to Simon's to do Biology exam revision for next week. We got quite a lot of work done, and downloaded some podcasts about the stuff we need to revise so we can listen to them in the background until we remember.
Then we just chatted to Alice on msn. It was hilarious.
So, today, I was supposed to have school but it snowed. So, no school.
I was supposed to meet up with Jonathan...that didn't happen either.
I should stop predicting these things...they always come true.
Bloody still snowing, so I doubt there'll be school tomorrow, either, oh, great. Not.
I don't honestly know what I want out of life anymore, but, one thing I do know is I want out.
As soon as possible.
As soon as I'm old enough to walk out that door and never look back, I'm doing it. Get away from my family, everyone I know, this life. I don't want it anymore. All that seems to happen is one crushing thing after another. I'm reaching a limit here.
And I'm tired. Tired of coping with emotions that I neither understand, nor want.
To myself, I sound pathetic, but, I honestly can't deny that I've been building up to this for a long time.
Maybe I'm not perfect, maybe I don't try my hardest, or understand why people do things. But, at least I try. I try so hard for the people I know and care about. To be what they ask of me, to listen when they need it. I really do. Yeah, I'm self-pitying, sure. I don't care anymore. I want something good for myself.
I know there are people worse off than me, who don't have a family even one as small as mine, or their's abuse them, and terrible things but...I'm not going to say it touches the surface for me either. It means nothing. Maybe I'm cold-hearted, but, sure, though I'm thankful for what I have, and it could be that I'm greedy for more, honestly, I don't think it's too much for me to want something.
And, I don't think I'm going to find any of the things I need where I am.
I feel like I've turned into someone else, but, I don't want to be me, anyway.
The things I feel, they don't go away. And, maybe I'm just not meant to not hurt, maybe other people are like this, too. Maybe, everyone is.
I don't know what it is, I wish I did I just know that physically it hurts.
I felt better for all of a week...and then the world comes crashing back down. The way everyone acts, and I'm just as bad. I shouldn't judge others, when I hear the gossip, too. Probably no better than any one of them, but it hurts.
People are so cruel to one another. We bitch about our friends, we betray those we care about, we lie, work towards our own gains...there is no trust. I don't trust them anymore because much as I wish I could, I've seen it too many times to think that the people I care about won't hate me, bitch about me, see some fault in me.
The stupid thing is, whoever reads this, will probably think I sound suicidal. Funny thing is, I'd never consider suicide. I like myself too much for that. But, there is nothing I hate more than myself. If I was someone else, and I knew me...I would hate me. As myself, of course I feel upset when epople hate me, but I can actually see why. It's like there's this thing in me...that you just can't like. Sooner or later, you hate me. And, I'll feel like shit, meet new friends...however much later...they hate me, too. I don't know what it is about me that makes people feel that way about me.
I don't even know why I hate myself. or, why, when I look in the mirror I feel sick, so sick.
And yet I induldge in vanity, kidding myself. I bloody well confuse myself trying to be normal. I wonder if I have an actual personality, or not.
I'm pretty sure my mum hates me really, it's just the compulsory love that she has. She has to love me because I'm family. But, not really. I don't know, I just don't. I hate sounding like a silly little emo-chick. I'm not depressed, i don't want to kill myself, my ego is larger than a double decker bus, and I can be the biggest bitch I've ever encountered.
But, at the same time, I feel like it'd all be a lot better off without me there, I loathe what I am, I can't have faith in anything i do or my abilities, and I feel so guilty and obligated to attempt to help people.
I'm probably mental...that'd be my kinda luck.
Or, just a normal teenager.
Evene with that I fail. I don't want to drink, I don't want to drive, I want to live at home for uni because of the financial side, I've never wanted to smoke, or see what drugs are like...none of that pulls at me. Growing up...there's nothing in it that I see as desirable.
I can't even picture myself grown-up. No one else seems to have that problem.
Everyone at school knows...they see a family, a home, work, normal things like that. They assume love, and happiness. The boyfriends they have, it's always forever. they always love them more than anything.
I can't picture a home, or getting married. I can't think that would ever happen to me. I don't see myself ever having children. It doesn't interest me. I want to work, but I want to do my own thing. I don't assume that I'll have love...I doubt I will, or happiness...that'd make a nice change.
Boyfriends...I've never thought of as permenant. I've always seen that there will be an end, I usually manage to pin point it, too. On the most part, inside, I have very few feelings about connections to others.
I want to feel something, I do. Stupid thing is, when I did...I realised it far too late. I didn't expect it. Not one bit. Shocked the hell out of me. And even that's a lost cause, isn't it? I can't expect anything, I don't. I never really did.
People say they care about me, but, really, I don't think that's the case. I think it's what everyone does. They pretend. They say they love someone, they say they care, in any way, but really it's just words with no back-up. Nothing real. Nothing essential to that is there.
There are too many questions I don't know the answers to. It's so frustrating. But, I just wish that, for once, one day, there's just one person...I'm not even saying like...love, just a friend, at least who doesn't hate me the way I am. I don't want to spend my whole life on my own.
Being young doesn't change the fact, that I think I've lost whatever I had.
I wish there was a part in this story, where I could say that, ' and then it turned out, that, in actual fact...' and write an ending to it.
Sadly, I can't. The funny thing is, I would write myself more pain, most probably.
The things I know about, they're not all that useful in every day life.
I'd rather be anywhere but here.
Sometimes, I wish I'd never met someone who managed to make me bloody care. But, I don't, and I do. I want to hate them, but I can't, because...i can't. I think I just ruin things for people.
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