Okay, so, basically, I'm pretty pissed off right now.
Great, just great.
Well, anyway, I got sent home from college today because I got ill.
Annoyingly I didn't even make it to first lesson! But, I'm really glad Maryam was there, because she made me go to the medical room.
So, I've been at home since ten this morning, and I'm so bored.
Then again, Natalie did introduce me to J-Drama, one called 'Liar Game'. Which is completely epic! Woo! I love it.
Then I caught up on W Juliet, I love W Juliet. It's sooo cute. Ito and Makoto! <3
Hmmm, finally got some more money on iTunes, and of course, what did it go on? A Star Trek audio play because Zachary Quinto was in it, and Glee music. *Facepalm.*
I really have very little to talk about right now.
I'm not friends with Ajay anymore, at all.
Charlie and I are talking again.
Um...I have a new job.
I get to go and see catherine on Saturday!
David Bowman should stop reading my blog! :)
I'm watching 'The Mummy' right now. Brendan Frazer is quite fit...hmmm.
Dollhouse started again, but I missed episode one, so I'll have to catch up online somehow.
I spoke to A yesterday, and she said that she and the others are all going up to London on a giant shopping trip aftr exams, and I got invited so that was cool.
I really miss Jamie...:( (Bolt, not Downes.)
Oh, yeah, I finally caught up with Laura, and Karyn and we've arranged a day out ^^. Yays.
Graeme's art exam went well, as far as I can tell, which is great.
Jonathan groff has the sexiest voice EVER! *is listening to it now :P* 'Hello' sung by Jonathan Groff and Lea Michele is such a good song. Wow.
Hmmm...I'm on chapter seven of Final Fantasy XIII, oh yeah.
Okay, why would anyone read my blog, aside from Fia and maybe Livvi? It's not interesting, and then they tease me about it and it's so unfunny that just grrrr. Don't act all high and mighty if I get pissed off about it.
I hate my college. Why did I decide to stay at Coombe? I must have been high. Damn, that's no excuse, I don't do drugs!
Well, anyway, I'll be back in school tomorrow at least. That's something good.
Using this, for anyone from school who read my blog: DON'T CALL ME FRAN, EVER!. :) It's annoying, and I hate it. Therefore, don't be offended when I ignore you if you do.
Wednesday 12 May 2010
Wednesday 5 May 2010
Without Me - Eminem.
It's been ages since I last blogged.
I don't know why i always blog when I'm feeling really low, but I do.
It's weird, I found out that someone I know reads my blog. Which was creepy, and I then went home and had to check what i'd said about them in it...nothing bad, i don't think.
So, basically, my life is a disaster. A complete and utter fuck up.
Ignoring the obvious multitude of faults with myself, here's what else makes life shit today:
Charlie hates me.
Ajay hates me.
Jack S hates me.
Tom groped me in the middle of physics...and hates me.
Jake probably hates me.
Sam seems to hate me now.
I never see my best friend.
I have no friends.
I don't think i actually have feelings anymore...aside from 'deathly' and 'tired'.
I'm always tired...I have the symptoms of anemia.
Sleep is terrible because all i have is nightmares.
The only people I care about couldn't care less about me, never talk to me first, never make en effort and have abandoned me. Probably hate me, too.
I'm starting to think that i sound depressed.
Which is, another reason to be depressed.
I want to cry, all day, until I'm numb and don't feel anything anymore.
If I fail my exams I'll get kicked out of school.
I'm probably too stupid to pass.
I find it hard to breathe...but not in that sense.
I'm going to be alone forever because I depress everyone else.
I just want to be normal, have a few friends, enjoy school...why can't I just let myself? Am I that much of an attention seeker?
The only person I want to talk to about any of this...seemed to worry when i mentioned it...that I'd burden him with my problems.
I can't tell anyone properly how I feel...when I try they come up with all these 'simple' fixed and they don't work...I can't just forget everything I'm feelings.
I feel like I'm in constant emotional overload, and I'm not even happy...I don't fit in, I don't know what to say anymore...or how to be the right thing. And the thing is, no one's ever going to like me for who I am. It's stupid, but, I just want one person, to take the time to remember me out of everyone like friends seem to do to each other...but never to me. I want to feel like a matter a very small amount to one person, and that is mine. Because otherwise...what do I really have?
A family who can't wait to get rid of me.
No talent.
No friends.
No future.
And, even if I had the rest of it...if I don't feel something, what's the point in being alive?
Oh, just fuck it. Let's be superficial and fake. Let's have back-stabbing friends, and a stupid amount of boyfriends. What could go wrong that already hasn't?
Fia had a great birthday party, from my perspective. I enjoyed it. Livvi and Imogen are lovely. :)
And, Holly and I are meeting up over the summer.
James is coming down from Horsham in half-term.
Seeing James Mondo in the summer, too.
Goergia and I are going wild on the twon after exams.
and Graeme and I are going ice-skating once exams are done.
I just need to pass first.
Oh, well, maybe I am depressing...I can understand why Sam would change his mind. Why any guy'd change his mind about me.
I don't know why i always blog when I'm feeling really low, but I do.
It's weird, I found out that someone I know reads my blog. Which was creepy, and I then went home and had to check what i'd said about them in it...nothing bad, i don't think.
So, basically, my life is a disaster. A complete and utter fuck up.
Ignoring the obvious multitude of faults with myself, here's what else makes life shit today:
Charlie hates me.
Ajay hates me.
Jack S hates me.
Tom groped me in the middle of physics...and hates me.
Jake probably hates me.
Sam seems to hate me now.
I never see my best friend.
I have no friends.
I don't think i actually have feelings anymore...aside from 'deathly' and 'tired'.
I'm always tired...I have the symptoms of anemia.
Sleep is terrible because all i have is nightmares.
The only people I care about couldn't care less about me, never talk to me first, never make en effort and have abandoned me. Probably hate me, too.
I'm starting to think that i sound depressed.
Which is, another reason to be depressed.
I want to cry, all day, until I'm numb and don't feel anything anymore.
If I fail my exams I'll get kicked out of school.
I'm probably too stupid to pass.
I find it hard to breathe...but not in that sense.
I'm going to be alone forever because I depress everyone else.
I just want to be normal, have a few friends, enjoy school...why can't I just let myself? Am I that much of an attention seeker?
The only person I want to talk to about any of this...seemed to worry when i mentioned it...that I'd burden him with my problems.
I can't tell anyone properly how I feel...when I try they come up with all these 'simple' fixed and they don't work...I can't just forget everything I'm feelings.
I feel like I'm in constant emotional overload, and I'm not even happy...I don't fit in, I don't know what to say anymore...or how to be the right thing. And the thing is, no one's ever going to like me for who I am. It's stupid, but, I just want one person, to take the time to remember me out of everyone like friends seem to do to each other...but never to me. I want to feel like a matter a very small amount to one person, and that is mine. Because otherwise...what do I really have?
A family who can't wait to get rid of me.
No talent.
No friends.
No future.
And, even if I had the rest of it...if I don't feel something, what's the point in being alive?
Oh, just fuck it. Let's be superficial and fake. Let's have back-stabbing friends, and a stupid amount of boyfriends. What could go wrong that already hasn't?
Fia had a great birthday party, from my perspective. I enjoyed it. Livvi and Imogen are lovely. :)
And, Holly and I are meeting up over the summer.
James is coming down from Horsham in half-term.
Seeing James Mondo in the summer, too.
Goergia and I are going wild on the twon after exams.
and Graeme and I are going ice-skating once exams are done.
I just need to pass first.
Oh, well, maybe I am depressing...I can understand why Sam would change his mind. Why any guy'd change his mind about me.
Monday 1 March 2010
Playing God - Paramore
My day...
I slept, I went to church.
Oh, yeah, funny thing...I may not believe in God...but, I feel so comfortable at church.
I guess, accepted. I want to stay there for as long as possible.
I mean, I dunno...but, they seem to genuinely like me, which is really lovely.
It's like...even Jonathan's mum acts like she likes me. Which, i'll admit, is really awkward for me, seeing her...I get all these knots in my stomach and feel really stupid, because obviously, she knows the whole story. But, even if she totally hates me for all of it, I think she's really nice.
And, I actually feel really bad about Catherine and Imogen thinking I wasn't trying to be nice to them when I would be round at their house 'cause I didn't say hi. It was only because I was half scared of them (they're intimidating...so smart and pretty...it makes me feel like a squashed slug in comparison.) and half because I was scared they wouldn't like me so I tried not to say anything.
But, anyway, I'll apologise for that when i next see them.
*Pokemon theme tune* OMG! I love Pokemon.
There's a show that's basically Pokemon/ Yu-Gi-Oh...and they even have the voice of Ash as a character called Max.
But, it's soooo cute!
heh. It's called Dinosaur King. it's on every morning XD before college. And, cool that i am, I watch it.
But, anyway, I think i'll do more at church now. :)
After RAG.
Steven said they were all going to come and see Pippa and I in RAG XD haha. It'll be cool though.
It's horrible...things as they are right now. But, I'm going to try my hardest!
And, change myself completely.
I can pull of being several people...so I will...
Acting, isn't really that hard, it comes naturally, people just don't know that about me.
I think I'll start tomorrow.
I think I'll start with my natural mode: Ice queen.
It's what I feel most comfortable as.
Oh, yeah, Blog...a gay guy fancies me...who'd have thunk it?
But, he's 'totally your slave' (that's what he said to me. Kinda weird, I guess, but, boys are weird.
I may give them up for lent.
I don't care about any of them from this point on.
Okay, except that which I do.
I Don't tell anyone, about the way you hold my hand.
I don't tell anyone about the things that we have planned.
I won't tell anybody, won't tell anybody,
They want to push me down, they want to see you fall.
Now, won't tell anybody, how you turn my world around.
I won't tell anyone how your voice is my favourite sound.
I won't tell anybody, won't tell anybody,
They wanna see us fall, they wanna see us fall.
I don't need a parachute, baby, if I've got you.
baby, if I've got you, i don't need a parachute.
You're gonna catch me, you're gonna catch if I fall.
I slept, I went to church.
Oh, yeah, funny thing...I may not believe in God...but, I feel so comfortable at church.
I guess, accepted. I want to stay there for as long as possible.
I mean, I dunno...but, they seem to genuinely like me, which is really lovely.
It's like...even Jonathan's mum acts like she likes me. Which, i'll admit, is really awkward for me, seeing her...I get all these knots in my stomach and feel really stupid, because obviously, she knows the whole story. But, even if she totally hates me for all of it, I think she's really nice.
And, I actually feel really bad about Catherine and Imogen thinking I wasn't trying to be nice to them when I would be round at their house 'cause I didn't say hi. It was only because I was half scared of them (they're intimidating...so smart and pretty...it makes me feel like a squashed slug in comparison.) and half because I was scared they wouldn't like me so I tried not to say anything.
But, anyway, I'll apologise for that when i next see them.
*Pokemon theme tune* OMG! I love Pokemon.
There's a show that's basically Pokemon/ Yu-Gi-Oh...and they even have the voice of Ash as a character called Max.
But, it's soooo cute!
heh. It's called Dinosaur King. it's on every morning XD before college. And, cool that i am, I watch it.
But, anyway, I think i'll do more at church now. :)
After RAG.
Steven said they were all going to come and see Pippa and I in RAG XD haha. It'll be cool though.
It's horrible...things as they are right now. But, I'm going to try my hardest!
And, change myself completely.
I can pull of being several people...so I will...
Acting, isn't really that hard, it comes naturally, people just don't know that about me.
I think I'll start tomorrow.
I think I'll start with my natural mode: Ice queen.
It's what I feel most comfortable as.
Oh, yeah, Blog...a gay guy fancies me...who'd have thunk it?
But, he's 'totally your slave' (that's what he said to me. Kinda weird, I guess, but, boys are weird.
I may give them up for lent.
I don't care about any of them from this point on.
Okay, except that which I do.
I Don't tell anyone, about the way you hold my hand.
I don't tell anyone about the things that we have planned.
I won't tell anybody, won't tell anybody,
They want to push me down, they want to see you fall.
Now, won't tell anybody, how you turn my world around.
I won't tell anyone how your voice is my favourite sound.
I won't tell anybody, won't tell anybody,
They wanna see us fall, they wanna see us fall.
I don't need a parachute, baby, if I've got you.
baby, if I've got you, i don't need a parachute.
You're gonna catch me, you're gonna catch if I fall.
Saturday 27 February 2010
Valentine's Day - Linkin Park
My life is so SCREWED UP!
One minute it's all cool, and the next I'm having some massive argument with Ajay, and he's close to yelling at me, and I'm so angry I don't even know why. It's so stupid, and I'm now in bloody tears because I feel bad. I'm such a bitch. :( Why do I do these things?! Every time I speak my mind, people realise how much I'm holding back and they hate me. I can;t manage being myself and being friends.
Maybe I'll just be myself from now on? and see if anyone still puts up with me. i doubt they would.
But, i'm still mad, he has all these ridiculous ideas and the way he lives is so strange...pets and owners? what? It just sounds so wrong. But, what the hell do I care? He's just some randomer anyway...he'll go away eventually.
I'm pissed off with kevin, too. He's a big, fat liar! Grrrrr.
And, of course, then there's Ivan...our Russian Playboy.
The one who apparently pulled Treeva in the music block today, but, he denies it, except now I'm not so certain about that. He acts strangely, too.
Arg.
It's at times like these I really miss Jon being around. But, of course, that's all good and well if he gave a crap whether I lived or died.
Why has everyone become so shite?
I'm probably going to fail all of my exams, and just die alone.
It's so...hard. This life, it really is. I have to put so much effort in, and smile all day, and pretend I am sooo fine. That I enjoy every minute. But, I don't. I hate, every day, every second. It drives me mad. When I try, I know I'll fail, so why bother? Why not delude myself a while longer? That i may actually have ability...
There are days when I really wish, more than anything that I'd never existed. I still do. I want to vanish and never come back; leave all of these people behind, change who I am and never, ever look back at a single one of the people, or promises I have in my life.
My life...it's just not ever going to be what I need it to be.
And, the longer I stay, the harder it gets for me.
It's so stupid, but, more than anything else I'd just love to have a day where...where I didn't feel like everything was fracturing around me...or more, inside me, because it feels like that and it hurts, my chest hurts all the time. I want to believe when someone says something nice to me. But, i can't. I can't believe that anyone would ever talk to, look at or know me and think the things they say. Maybe I am just a GIANT pessimist, but I don't care anymore.
I really, couldn't give a shit about what people think I must be because of how I feel. I want nothing more than to just replace myself...
But, for the moment, I need to transform myself, more. In to the perfect student. I won't go out with my friends anymore. I'll see that at school, that will be enough, and then I will work my little ...big...socks off until I can go to university. Then, once I'm through that...I won't be coming home ever again, or commuincating with the people I leave behind, or used to know.
In the end, all you need is yourself.
I only hope that I can wait that long...because sometime I almost don't go home again...
Well, what would it matter anyway? I don't expect anyone to follow me but my family, and they only would for show. For the expected love of family. Because it's not there.
Oh well. What a good, self-pitying life story I have. I'm so glad hardly anyone reads this. Mostly because, people would PRETEND they gave a crap about how I felt, and then suggest I should talk to my parents or something else. But, I don't want to. I'll always keep how I really feel hidden properly. because this doesn't cover half of the emotions I feel. But, none of them really matter.
I'm going to go to bed, have a cry, and attempt to sleep before day-break. Doesn't matter, it rarely happens.
Frankie...the idiot.
One minute it's all cool, and the next I'm having some massive argument with Ajay, and he's close to yelling at me, and I'm so angry I don't even know why. It's so stupid, and I'm now in bloody tears because I feel bad. I'm such a bitch. :( Why do I do these things?! Every time I speak my mind, people realise how much I'm holding back and they hate me. I can;t manage being myself and being friends.
Maybe I'll just be myself from now on? and see if anyone still puts up with me. i doubt they would.
But, i'm still mad, he has all these ridiculous ideas and the way he lives is so strange...pets and owners? what? It just sounds so wrong. But, what the hell do I care? He's just some randomer anyway...he'll go away eventually.
I'm pissed off with kevin, too. He's a big, fat liar! Grrrrr.
And, of course, then there's Ivan...our Russian Playboy.
The one who apparently pulled Treeva in the music block today, but, he denies it, except now I'm not so certain about that. He acts strangely, too.
Arg.
It's at times like these I really miss Jon being around. But, of course, that's all good and well if he gave a crap whether I lived or died.
Why has everyone become so shite?
I'm probably going to fail all of my exams, and just die alone.
It's so...hard. This life, it really is. I have to put so much effort in, and smile all day, and pretend I am sooo fine. That I enjoy every minute. But, I don't. I hate, every day, every second. It drives me mad. When I try, I know I'll fail, so why bother? Why not delude myself a while longer? That i may actually have ability...
There are days when I really wish, more than anything that I'd never existed. I still do. I want to vanish and never come back; leave all of these people behind, change who I am and never, ever look back at a single one of the people, or promises I have in my life.
My life...it's just not ever going to be what I need it to be.
And, the longer I stay, the harder it gets for me.
It's so stupid, but, more than anything else I'd just love to have a day where...where I didn't feel like everything was fracturing around me...or more, inside me, because it feels like that and it hurts, my chest hurts all the time. I want to believe when someone says something nice to me. But, i can't. I can't believe that anyone would ever talk to, look at or know me and think the things they say. Maybe I am just a GIANT pessimist, but I don't care anymore.
I really, couldn't give a shit about what people think I must be because of how I feel. I want nothing more than to just replace myself...
But, for the moment, I need to transform myself, more. In to the perfect student. I won't go out with my friends anymore. I'll see that at school, that will be enough, and then I will work my little ...big...socks off until I can go to university. Then, once I'm through that...I won't be coming home ever again, or commuincating with the people I leave behind, or used to know.
In the end, all you need is yourself.
I only hope that I can wait that long...because sometime I almost don't go home again...
Well, what would it matter anyway? I don't expect anyone to follow me but my family, and they only would for show. For the expected love of family. Because it's not there.
Oh well. What a good, self-pitying life story I have. I'm so glad hardly anyone reads this. Mostly because, people would PRETEND they gave a crap about how I felt, and then suggest I should talk to my parents or something else. But, I don't want to. I'll always keep how I really feel hidden properly. because this doesn't cover half of the emotions I feel. But, none of them really matter.
I'm going to go to bed, have a cry, and attempt to sleep before day-break. Doesn't matter, it rarely happens.
Frankie...the idiot.
Wednesday 24 February 2010
Shimey, Shimey, Quarter Turn.
I've been rather busy recently.
RAG week is so much hard work! But, so much fun.
We're doing a dance to Fame and Candyman. :) David's agreed to be in it, so that makes : Luke, Daniel, David, and Usaid to my knowledge. Then of course there's the rest of us, like Nina, Naomi and myself etc.
Anyway, I'm working on more Physics coursework, which has proven itself to be hazardous to the safety of my classmates. Let's just say..the experiment I'm working on is violent and Song-Yi almost got hit with a kg moving at around 40mph.
But, that's lots of fun. :) My teacher sent me down the corridor with a HUGE knife...I felt like a serial killer...haha.
Stuff has been so weird lately...it's so confusing and irritating. :(
Basically...I have no interest in these people and they don't leave well enough alone. There's this guy I know, and much as he's lovely...er...well, not happening. Except, he thinks that it is. He thinks we're in a relationship...um...hello?! I mean, first off...if he'd asked me or something I might understand, but he hasn't and I'd definitely say no. But, if I say something I'm worried about how he'd act about...considering he's convinced himself we have a relationship. I don't know what to do! :(
Okay, then there's another guy, Sam, who's been my mate for simply agesssss and he got drunk and came on MSN the other day...then suddenly blurted out that he really fancied me. O_O Erughhhhhh.
Okay, why? Seriously, there is no reason for people to fancy me...:/ I don't have anything going for me, certainly not enough to warrant more than one person liking me.
But, no...there's also Charlie, who, oh, even better...has a girlfriend. WTF?! I pretty much told him to f*** off, but, it's still really weird. Abd, he won't take no for an answer. Which considering he has a girlfriend, if I didn't not want the poor girl in tears I'd tell her. I don't even know the girl but a guy like that is bad news. Full stop.
Anyway, enough about my screwed up friends.
I bought myself an Xbox 360 over half-term. It's awesome!
Okay, fine, I stil need to set it up...but, whatever. Alice and I are both going to get Xbox Live and thrash Peter and Simon on it! Muwahaha.
Alice has invited me to her birthday party, I'm really pleased because I was worried she wouldn't, but she did, she said I'm a really close friend. :)That was really nice to hear. ^^
But, yeah, I've bought myself some pretty cool games for the Xbox. :) :) :)
I suppose I'm no too bad right now...I'm getting happier. ^^
Natalie just sent me some pretty epic music, too!:) :) Nat's so awesome.
Bleh, I don't feel too well.
I have dance tomorrow, too. Thank God I only have three lessons tomorrow. :)
Oh, and a maths test...and a RAG meeting with MR. Keeble. haha.
Fun, fun, fun, when do i eat?
Oh, yeah...I barely do anymore.
Oh, yeah...my BMI is 16. :)
RAG week is so much hard work! But, so much fun.
We're doing a dance to Fame and Candyman. :) David's agreed to be in it, so that makes : Luke, Daniel, David, and Usaid to my knowledge. Then of course there's the rest of us, like Nina, Naomi and myself etc.
Anyway, I'm working on more Physics coursework, which has proven itself to be hazardous to the safety of my classmates. Let's just say..the experiment I'm working on is violent and Song-Yi almost got hit with a kg moving at around 40mph.
But, that's lots of fun. :) My teacher sent me down the corridor with a HUGE knife...I felt like a serial killer...haha.
Stuff has been so weird lately...it's so confusing and irritating. :(
Basically...I have no interest in these people and they don't leave well enough alone. There's this guy I know, and much as he's lovely...er...well, not happening. Except, he thinks that it is. He thinks we're in a relationship...um...hello?! I mean, first off...if he'd asked me or something I might understand, but he hasn't and I'd definitely say no. But, if I say something I'm worried about how he'd act about...considering he's convinced himself we have a relationship. I don't know what to do! :(
Okay, then there's another guy, Sam, who's been my mate for simply agesssss and he got drunk and came on MSN the other day...then suddenly blurted out that he really fancied me. O_O Erughhhhhh.
Okay, why? Seriously, there is no reason for people to fancy me...:/ I don't have anything going for me, certainly not enough to warrant more than one person liking me.
But, no...there's also Charlie, who, oh, even better...has a girlfriend. WTF?! I pretty much told him to f*** off, but, it's still really weird. Abd, he won't take no for an answer. Which considering he has a girlfriend, if I didn't not want the poor girl in tears I'd tell her. I don't even know the girl but a guy like that is bad news. Full stop.
Anyway, enough about my screwed up friends.
I bought myself an Xbox 360 over half-term. It's awesome!
Okay, fine, I stil need to set it up...but, whatever. Alice and I are both going to get Xbox Live and thrash Peter and Simon on it! Muwahaha.
Alice has invited me to her birthday party, I'm really pleased because I was worried she wouldn't, but she did, she said I'm a really close friend. :)That was really nice to hear. ^^
But, yeah, I've bought myself some pretty cool games for the Xbox. :) :) :)
I suppose I'm no too bad right now...I'm getting happier. ^^
Natalie just sent me some pretty epic music, too!:) :) Nat's so awesome.
Bleh, I don't feel too well.
I have dance tomorrow, too. Thank God I only have three lessons tomorrow. :)
Oh, and a maths test...and a RAG meeting with MR. Keeble. haha.
Fun, fun, fun, when do i eat?
Oh, yeah...I barely do anymore.
Oh, yeah...my BMI is 16. :)
Thursday 11 February 2010
Self Inflicted - Katy Perry
Okay, hey, blog, it's been ages!
Lots of stuff's been going on.
First off - SUPERNATURAL COMES BACK TO TELEVISION THIS MONTH! Well, actually it was the 11th...very possibly today...if I knew the date.
Anyway, I went to the cinema to see the new Sherlock Holmes film with my mum last night. It was freakin' awesome!
(JUDE LAW <3<3<3 OMG, LOVE!) Heh. :P
Yeah. Moving on.
I had my physics presentation on swords the other week. I was so terrified. Talking for ten minutes in from of people? Blimey! But, I did it! Without, fainting, throwing up, crying, shaking, stuttering, getting dizzy, feeling sick, forgetting what i had to say or showing my nerves. Therefore, overall, I consider my performance an outstanding success.
I got 8/10 for it :). David Bowman helped me heaps with the practicing and how to set it out. I owe him big time! :) But, it's cool.
Hmm...what else...had exams last month, was not fun, the end.
I have more Physics coursework now. :(
Hmmm...what else?
Oh, yeah, ha. My friends and I ( Gourdan, Sho, Yau, Tom and I) went up to London (soho) for the day. That was pretty epic, we had lunch in china town, and some very odd things happened.
I was waiting for my food to come, whereas, Tom and Sho's has already been put on the table...they offered the rest of us some and then me because I hadn't had anything. Basically, Tom picked up some...toast thing with his chop sticks and was like 'have some' I refused. He insisted. I refused. He said he'd feed it to me otherwise, he tried, I said no, firmly while moving backwards.
Sho, then picks up a piece himself with his own chopsticks (Sho's sitting next to me) and offers me some.
I just stare at him. 'Take a bite, annoy Tom' he says. I'm fed up of being coerced into eating, so I take a bite.
I wish i hadn't, because, then, Sho points at Tom, and goes 'HA! REJECTED!'
I am, still, at a loss.
However, Tom and Sho certainly behaved oddly that day. While we were on the tube on our way to Oxford Street, it got pretty crowded, and Gourdan and Tom ended up on one side, Sho and I wedged in another corner. Sho, decided to sit on the floor...I stood next to him...and he suddenly put his hands round my leg. Then my thigh. My reaction pretty much equates to: O_O
I didn't say anything because it was too weird, but, honestly I still don't have a clue what that was about haha. It was strange. Also, the fact that everyone keeps saying I reject Tom on a regular basis...I hadn't noticed! :/
Oh, on that note, the other night, i was on MSN to Tom about Physics work, and he went afk for a bath or something. Which was, okay, normal. When he came back he declared ' I am back from bathing'
Naturally, I just replied 'Good. Nice and clean then.'
He said 'Yep'
I replied 'good, good :)' hoping the conversation could now move on. Oh, how wrong I was. No, Tom's reply was:
'Well, more wet and naked than nice and clean.'
What. The. F*ck?!
I 1- Never, ever, in a million and five years wanted THAT mental image.
2- Who replies like that?
3- Who sits naked at theircomputer and then declares it to their friend?
O_O *eyes bleed*
Then, we ended up in an argument and he told me I was a heartless, emotionless bitch...basically.
Natalie wants to break his face with a bench, now. :/
Funny thin is, we're talking (Tom and I...) without apologising about it to each other.
BTW- if you wondered, he called me tht because I called hima fish, of all things.
Haha.
Anyway, things are a bit odd at the moment. Hahaha, well, I'd best be off. Lots of chewing up to do :P
Lots of stuff's been going on.
First off - SUPERNATURAL COMES BACK TO TELEVISION THIS MONTH! Well, actually it was the 11th...very possibly today...if I knew the date.
Anyway, I went to the cinema to see the new Sherlock Holmes film with my mum last night. It was freakin' awesome!
(JUDE LAW <3<3<3 OMG, LOVE!) Heh. :P
Yeah. Moving on.
I had my physics presentation on swords the other week. I was so terrified. Talking for ten minutes in from of people? Blimey! But, I did it! Without, fainting, throwing up, crying, shaking, stuttering, getting dizzy, feeling sick, forgetting what i had to say or showing my nerves. Therefore, overall, I consider my performance an outstanding success.
I got 8/10 for it :). David Bowman helped me heaps with the practicing and how to set it out. I owe him big time! :) But, it's cool.
Hmm...what else...had exams last month, was not fun, the end.
I have more Physics coursework now. :(
Hmmm...what else?
Oh, yeah, ha. My friends and I ( Gourdan, Sho, Yau, Tom and I) went up to London (soho) for the day. That was pretty epic, we had lunch in china town, and some very odd things happened.
I was waiting for my food to come, whereas, Tom and Sho's has already been put on the table...they offered the rest of us some and then me because I hadn't had anything. Basically, Tom picked up some...toast thing with his chop sticks and was like 'have some' I refused. He insisted. I refused. He said he'd feed it to me otherwise, he tried, I said no, firmly while moving backwards.
Sho, then picks up a piece himself with his own chopsticks (Sho's sitting next to me) and offers me some.
I just stare at him. 'Take a bite, annoy Tom' he says. I'm fed up of being coerced into eating, so I take a bite.
I wish i hadn't, because, then, Sho points at Tom, and goes 'HA! REJECTED!'
I am, still, at a loss.
However, Tom and Sho certainly behaved oddly that day. While we were on the tube on our way to Oxford Street, it got pretty crowded, and Gourdan and Tom ended up on one side, Sho and I wedged in another corner. Sho, decided to sit on the floor...I stood next to him...and he suddenly put his hands round my leg. Then my thigh. My reaction pretty much equates to: O_O
I didn't say anything because it was too weird, but, honestly I still don't have a clue what that was about haha. It was strange. Also, the fact that everyone keeps saying I reject Tom on a regular basis...I hadn't noticed! :/
Oh, on that note, the other night, i was on MSN to Tom about Physics work, and he went afk for a bath or something. Which was, okay, normal. When he came back he declared ' I am back from bathing'
Naturally, I just replied 'Good. Nice and clean then.'
He said 'Yep'
I replied 'good, good :)' hoping the conversation could now move on. Oh, how wrong I was. No, Tom's reply was:
'Well, more wet and naked than nice and clean.'
What. The. F*ck?!
I 1- Never, ever, in a million and five years wanted THAT mental image.
2- Who replies like that?
3- Who sits naked at theircomputer and then declares it to their friend?
O_O *eyes bleed*
Then, we ended up in an argument and he told me I was a heartless, emotionless bitch...basically.
Natalie wants to break his face with a bench, now. :/
Funny thin is, we're talking (Tom and I...) without apologising about it to each other.
BTW- if you wondered, he called me tht because I called hima fish, of all things.
Haha.
Anyway, things are a bit odd at the moment. Hahaha, well, I'd best be off. Lots of chewing up to do :P
Sunday 10 January 2010
Too Fake
I'd do anything that I'm told to
I'd even mean it if I'm supposed to
leave me on a little
I go for broke
Leave me on some more
I'd go for the big toke
Everybody's watching oh but nobody cares
Oh wait cause no
Nobody's watching but everybody cares
Oh whatever talk to you later
Chorus
Look out!
Cause I'm just too fake for the world
I know it's just a game to me
I'm just too fake you see
I wish I didn't have to be but watch out
I got too much soul for the world
It's breaking my heart in two
I got too much soul for you
I don't like it but it's true
Get off
I go to church and
I'm expected to be lost soul
They need examples to use
I could stay forever leave right now
It's your call either way
It's time to use my life for myself
(most people just won't tell you that)
I'm gona use my life for someone else, yeah
no wait wait wait wait
Chorus
Look out!
cause I'm just too fake for the world
I know it's just a game to me
I'm just too fake you see
I wish I didn't have to be but watch out
I got too much soul for the world
It's breaking my heart in two
I got too much soul for you
I don't like it but it's true
Hurts right?
But I can't even talk to you
about my effect on people
cause I'm doing the same thing to you
that's right even right now
oh just wait up for me if you want to but
Chorus
Look out, now
I'm just too fake for the world
I know it's just a game to me
I'm just too fake you see
I hope you can forgive me
oh now
Got too much soul for the world
and it's breaking my heart in two
I got too much soul for you
I don't like it but it's true
oh look out now
I'm just too fake for the world
and there's nothing I can do about it
yeah I'm just too fake for you
I don't like it but it's true
Look out
I got too much soul for the world
it's breaking my heart in two
I got too much soul for you
I don't like it but it's true
look out
I'm just too fake for the world
I know it's just a game to me
I'm just too fake you see
I hope you can forgive me
look out now
I'm too fake
Heroes was awesome last night! And, Sylar was even more awesome than usual. Much awesome-ness. Yes, awesome is going to be mentioned a lot in this blog.
Okay, so, basically...there was just major sexy sylar-ness...that was the episode. So, of course I enjoyed it. I was dying...blinded by the beauty and...just generally rather 'Zacharyyyyyyyyyyyyy'. Except, my mum watched it with me...well, the second part so there was less squeeing at Zachary during that. My mother disapproves of my Squeeing habits. Better than some though. :P
Anyway, I have to go...examssss.
I'd even mean it if I'm supposed to
leave me on a little
I go for broke
Leave me on some more
I'd go for the big toke
Everybody's watching oh but nobody cares
Oh wait cause no
Nobody's watching but everybody cares
Oh whatever talk to you later
Chorus
Look out!
Cause I'm just too fake for the world
I know it's just a game to me
I'm just too fake you see
I wish I didn't have to be but watch out
I got too much soul for the world
It's breaking my heart in two
I got too much soul for you
I don't like it but it's true
Get off
I go to church and
I'm expected to be lost soul
They need examples to use
I could stay forever leave right now
It's your call either way
It's time to use my life for myself
(most people just won't tell you that)
I'm gona use my life for someone else, yeah
no wait wait wait wait
Chorus
Look out!
cause I'm just too fake for the world
I know it's just a game to me
I'm just too fake you see
I wish I didn't have to be but watch out
I got too much soul for the world
It's breaking my heart in two
I got too much soul for you
I don't like it but it's true
Hurts right?
But I can't even talk to you
about my effect on people
cause I'm doing the same thing to you
that's right even right now
oh just wait up for me if you want to but
Chorus
Look out, now
I'm just too fake for the world
I know it's just a game to me
I'm just too fake you see
I hope you can forgive me
oh now
Got too much soul for the world
and it's breaking my heart in two
I got too much soul for you
I don't like it but it's true
oh look out now
I'm just too fake for the world
and there's nothing I can do about it
yeah I'm just too fake for you
I don't like it but it's true
Look out
I got too much soul for the world
it's breaking my heart in two
I got too much soul for you
I don't like it but it's true
look out
I'm just too fake for the world
I know it's just a game to me
I'm just too fake you see
I hope you can forgive me
look out now
I'm too fake
Heroes was awesome last night! And, Sylar was even more awesome than usual. Much awesome-ness. Yes, awesome is going to be mentioned a lot in this blog.
Okay, so, basically...there was just major sexy sylar-ness...that was the episode. So, of course I enjoyed it. I was dying...blinded by the beauty and...just generally rather 'Zacharyyyyyyyyyyyyy'. Except, my mum watched it with me...well, the second part so there was less squeeing at Zachary during that. My mother disapproves of my Squeeing habits. Better than some though. :P
Anyway, I have to go...examssss.
Saturday 9 January 2010
Baby, It's Fact
Just in case they're wondering
They've got us pinned terribly
They don't believe our love is real
Cause they don't know how real love feels
You should know it's true
Just now, the part about my love for you
And how my heart's about burst
Into a thousand pieces
Oh it must be true
And They'll believe us too soon
Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
The word black is black
And blue is just blue
My love is true
It's a matter of fact
Oh, and you love me too
It's as simple as that
Baby, our love is true
They may say some awful things
But there's no point in listening
Your words are the only words
That I believe in afterwards.
You should know it's true
Just now, the part about my love for you
And how my heart's about burst
Into a thousand pieces
So it must be true
And they'll believe us too soon
Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
The way black is black
And blue is just blue
My love is true
It's a matter of fact
Oh, and you love me too
It's as simple as that
Baby, our love is true
It's true
Oh oh oh
It's true
Oh oh ohhh
It's true
Whoa oh ohhh
Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
The way black is black
And blue is just blue
My love is true
It's a matter of fact
Oh, and you love me too
It's as simple as that
Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
The way black is black
And blue is just blue
My love is true
It's a matter of fact
Oh, and you love me too
It's as simple as that
Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
Ohhh
Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
Baby, it's fact
Ohhh
Baby, it's fact
Our love
Our love is true
I LOVE HelloGoodbye!
Omg, Heroes comes back on air today! Waa-hoo and Zachary Quinto's cotton socks with cherries. Okay...maybe that was a bit weird. XD Haha.
Anyway, anyway, anyway, so, it's been...um...four days since my last post, correct?
Of course, I could just check and then change this if I'm wrong, but I can't be bothered.
There is STILL snow outside.
I hate snow.
So much.
It's like...hell slushies. I don't like slushies either, if you hadn't guessed from that. I doubt anyone actually could guess that from that though.
So, okay, no school on Wednesday and Thursday. Then school ending early on Friday.
Met Jonathan after school, swapped (late) Christmas presents, and went to Kingston.
CEx is my love.
Well, not my only love...one of them. One of the not actual love loves...just love. If that makes sense. :)
Anyway, I have to stop saying anyway all the time when I run out of topics...
I haven't actually run out, just, wanted to change topic...which I do anyway.
Anyway...
Did that without even thinking about it! Ahhhhh! Lucky for me that I no longer study English, I suppose. I miss English, and History.
I think I'll become a geneticist is nothing else works out, or a journalist...maybe a historian and go and live in some desert somewhere...or, oh, I could do game design, or...fashion...or...Quantum Physics :P Or...I'd love to do writing...hmm...I want to be a dicrector! That sounds like so much fun!
But, my heart always turns to something (QP) I probably don't have the ability for. :(
Okay, well, I guess I shouldn't give up.
I have a new DA account.
Ivan just told me something amusing:
20:17 Ivan: I wanted to say good luck to you on friday but you kind of looked at me and walked away haha
Hahahahahahahahahaha.
How mean of me!
I didn't actually realise this at the time though...I don't even know when he's talking about but i love the fact that I just 'looked at him' and then walked away. Like 'pfft, as if.'
He's quite sweet really, even if we're not close friends anymore.
THAT BITCH TREEVA!
Ehem. She is though. As soon as I told Ivan I wasn't gonna hang out as much she was in there, and doesn't ever leave him alone.
Thing is, everyone thinks it's weird, 1- because she acts like his gf and she has a bf already. 2- because she's a bitch. 3- because they're not the type of people who're normally friends.
Okay, okay, so, I don't like her, never have, and now she's even more horrible to me.
But, Ivan and I will always be mates, we're too cool not to be haha.
But, who really cares.
We're going to have a KFC winter picnic...in a greenhouse! Next week.
Yau, Yaidenlina, Tom, Caroline, Aysia, Gourdan, Sho, James, Will, Flynn, Hannah and I. :) It'll be fun.
Yeah...the idea was mine, if you didn't guess.
We're having pokemon cupcakes, too. Also my idea...and James' obsession.
Oh, yes, almost forgot...
I HAD THE BEST PRESENT EVER FOR CHRISTMAS FROM JONATHAN! (ehem)
Okay, so I asked for it. But, I have a Helix pendant!!!! OMG, it's so awesomeeeeee.<3!
*Victory dance*
But, I'd better go and watch Dollshouse before it gets too late and my Heroes DOUBLE Bill [ Omgshdjfurtdnshsgsfdhfdkgkldjs!!!!!!] <--- That'd be an exclamation of uber excitement.
I've decided something...
I'm not going to make a fuss about stuff anymore. I'm going to keep to myself, do my own thing, hang out with my friends, work hard, and try not to dwell on the things that have upset me recently. There's probably no point in getting upset about it anymore. I don't think he wants me there anymore, in any capacity, and much as that hurts I can't change it, after all...*sigh* so, I'll just be myself and hope that's not the case. Because I'd miss him a lot.
No doubt...at some point this view of mine will change but I don't want things to be horrid between us, because it's the most horrible thing ever. :(
I just want...I dunno...him to always be happy. :)
I still remember days,
Things weren't always this way.
I used to make you smile. If only for a while.
I know that people change, maybe you're no to blame, but must you burn a hole, so deep into my soul?
They've got us pinned terribly
They don't believe our love is real
Cause they don't know how real love feels
You should know it's true
Just now, the part about my love for you
And how my heart's about burst
Into a thousand pieces
Oh it must be true
And They'll believe us too soon
Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
The word black is black
And blue is just blue
My love is true
It's a matter of fact
Oh, and you love me too
It's as simple as that
Baby, our love is true
They may say some awful things
But there's no point in listening
Your words are the only words
That I believe in afterwards.
You should know it's true
Just now, the part about my love for you
And how my heart's about burst
Into a thousand pieces
So it must be true
And they'll believe us too soon
Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
The way black is black
And blue is just blue
My love is true
It's a matter of fact
Oh, and you love me too
It's as simple as that
Baby, our love is true
It's true
Oh oh oh
It's true
Oh oh ohhh
It's true
Whoa oh ohhh
Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
The way black is black
And blue is just blue
My love is true
It's a matter of fact
Oh, and you love me too
It's as simple as that
Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
The way black is black
And blue is just blue
My love is true
It's a matter of fact
Oh, and you love me too
It's as simple as that
Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
Ohhh
Baby, it's fact
Our love is true
Baby, it's fact
Ohhh
Baby, it's fact
Our love
Our love is true
I LOVE HelloGoodbye!
Omg, Heroes comes back on air today! Waa-hoo and Zachary Quinto's cotton socks with cherries. Okay...maybe that was a bit weird. XD Haha.
Anyway, anyway, anyway, so, it's been...um...four days since my last post, correct?
Of course, I could just check and then change this if I'm wrong, but I can't be bothered.
There is STILL snow outside.
I hate snow.
So much.
It's like...hell slushies. I don't like slushies either, if you hadn't guessed from that. I doubt anyone actually could guess that from that though.
So, okay, no school on Wednesday and Thursday. Then school ending early on Friday.
Met Jonathan after school, swapped (late) Christmas presents, and went to Kingston.
CEx is my love.
Well, not my only love...one of them. One of the not actual love loves...just love. If that makes sense. :)
Anyway, I have to stop saying anyway all the time when I run out of topics...
I haven't actually run out, just, wanted to change topic...which I do anyway.
Anyway...
Did that without even thinking about it! Ahhhhh! Lucky for me that I no longer study English, I suppose. I miss English, and History.
I think I'll become a geneticist is nothing else works out, or a journalist...maybe a historian and go and live in some desert somewhere...or, oh, I could do game design, or...fashion...or...Quantum Physics :P Or...I'd love to do writing...hmm...I want to be a dicrector! That sounds like so much fun!
But, my heart always turns to something (QP) I probably don't have the ability for. :(
Okay, well, I guess I shouldn't give up.
I have a new DA account.
Ivan just told me something amusing:
20:17 Ivan: I wanted to say good luck to you on friday but you kind of looked at me and walked away haha
Hahahahahahahahahaha.
How mean of me!
I didn't actually realise this at the time though...I don't even know when he's talking about but i love the fact that I just 'looked at him' and then walked away. Like 'pfft, as if.'
He's quite sweet really, even if we're not close friends anymore.
THAT BITCH TREEVA!
Ehem. She is though. As soon as I told Ivan I wasn't gonna hang out as much she was in there, and doesn't ever leave him alone.
Thing is, everyone thinks it's weird, 1- because she acts like his gf and she has a bf already. 2- because she's a bitch. 3- because they're not the type of people who're normally friends.
Okay, okay, so, I don't like her, never have, and now she's even more horrible to me.
But, Ivan and I will always be mates, we're too cool not to be haha.
But, who really cares.
We're going to have a KFC winter picnic...in a greenhouse! Next week.
Yau, Yaidenlina, Tom, Caroline, Aysia, Gourdan, Sho, James, Will, Flynn, Hannah and I. :) It'll be fun.
Yeah...the idea was mine, if you didn't guess.
We're having pokemon cupcakes, too. Also my idea...and James' obsession.
Oh, yes, almost forgot...
I HAD THE BEST PRESENT EVER FOR CHRISTMAS FROM JONATHAN! (ehem)
Okay, so I asked for it. But, I have a Helix pendant!!!! OMG, it's so awesomeeeeee.<3!
*Victory dance*
But, I'd better go and watch Dollshouse before it gets too late and my Heroes DOUBLE Bill [ Omgshdjfurtdnshsgsfdhfdkgkldjs!!!!!!] <--- That'd be an exclamation of uber excitement.
I've decided something...
I'm not going to make a fuss about stuff anymore. I'm going to keep to myself, do my own thing, hang out with my friends, work hard, and try not to dwell on the things that have upset me recently. There's probably no point in getting upset about it anymore. I don't think he wants me there anymore, in any capacity, and much as that hurts I can't change it, after all...*sigh* so, I'll just be myself and hope that's not the case. Because I'd miss him a lot.
No doubt...at some point this view of mine will change but I don't want things to be horrid between us, because it's the most horrible thing ever. :(
I just want...I dunno...him to always be happy. :)
I still remember days,
Things weren't always this way.
I used to make you smile. If only for a while.
I know that people change, maybe you're no to blame, but must you burn a hole, so deep into my soul?
Tuesday 5 January 2010
Crisis
"A beautiful story left incomplete, oh, how he knocked me off my feet. Why'd you only shoot me half way to the moon?
And, I can't get over that, over that.
Baby, after loving Jack. There's no going back, going back."
Well, I'm back from holiday now. Have been for...a few days now. I got back on New Year's Day, at, surprisingly for me, 2pm. Wow, early!
Anyway, the panto went really well in the end, on the last day.
Even if the day before was a bit...upsetting, I guess you'd call it.
Michael was even more self-obsessed than usual...which is something in itself. God, he's so damned irritating, I want to hit him. Oh, wait, been there, done that.
If he didn't show me once, her showed me no less than fifteen times his new dance move for his part in the panto. He was Prince 'not so' Charming.
We cleared up the blocks afterwards (Laura, David and I)...because everyone else had left! But, it wasn't too much trouble, really. As we were walking back from the Drama studios, Laura and I were walking ahead and, out of the blue I might add, David just went,
"You walk very stylishly, don't you?" To me.
Okay, how to you respond to something like THAT?! I just went 'Um, do I?'
Oh, yes, but Laura found it hilarious. As soon as we were back in the common room and David went to take his make-up off, she started laughing and, according to her it was 'Nerd-Flirting.' Oh great. Just great.
Not.
Anyway, so, as that was the last day of term, we all said goodbye, and went home. I left that night at 7 or something for Wales, and was there for two weeks.
I read, played on the playstation, slept, and watched boxsets. Wow, go me. I'm surprised I'm not fat now.
Got snowed in at one point, too. Oh, fun, fun, fun.
No internet, phone signal or communication with anyone for two weeks. That was just...spiffing.
Got home on the first. No, didn't go to any parties. In fact, I missed, not one, but TWO parties.
Sho's, on the 27th, where we were all gonna stay round at his and make taki yaki and watch crappy movies. Kinda glad I missed it actually. And, Jenna's on New Years Day. Okay, I'm not put out that i missed either...but, I have to pretend to be so that they don't get offended.
So, got home, lucky me and...fell asleep. I like sleep.
Actually had a phonecall, too.
See, I asked him if he would...not actually expecting to keep his...okay, it wasn't exactly a promise, but, whatever. I pretty much have gotten used to the fact that, if I ask something of Jonathan, he 99% of the time won't remember it.
So, imagine my surprise when my phone rang, and I answered to hear his voice. Actually took me a second to get over the shock of him remembering.
Probably shouldn't let him know that...
But, anyway, it was nice of him.
Went back to school on the 4th. God, that was a horrid day. But, I got to read my book, and although I was interrupted every other minute by people, insiting on hugging me, and kissing my cheek. I mean, what is up with that?! Why do girls keep kissing me?!!!! It actually creeps me out, majorly.
Oh, yeah, I've come to the conclusion that I hate women. Because, it's true. yay, Misogynist!
I mean, guys, yeah. But, girls, just no. In fact, most guys, just no. I think boys are scared of me...I guess being weird as I am must put everyone off...except lesbians. How pathetic my life is.
Girls take more interest in me openly, than boys do. The boyfriends I have had...arg...two were idiots, the third used me to vent his anger...with whatever weapon was handy at the time...and the last...it's buckets o' confusing.
Met up with James Linehan on Monday, after school, and he went over the C1 stuff with me, because I fail...as per usual.
But, it was useful, so, here's hoping for next Monday.
Tuesday...had lessons...actually barely spoke to anyone. Then went to Simon's to do Biology exam revision for next week. We got quite a lot of work done, and downloaded some podcasts about the stuff we need to revise so we can listen to them in the background until we remember.
Then we just chatted to Alice on msn. It was hilarious.
So, today, I was supposed to have school but it snowed. So, no school.
I was supposed to meet up with Jonathan...that didn't happen either.
I should stop predicting these things...they always come true.
Bloody still snowing, so I doubt there'll be school tomorrow, either, oh, great. Not.
I don't honestly know what I want out of life anymore, but, one thing I do know is I want out.
As soon as possible.
As soon as I'm old enough to walk out that door and never look back, I'm doing it. Get away from my family, everyone I know, this life. I don't want it anymore. All that seems to happen is one crushing thing after another. I'm reaching a limit here.
And I'm tired. Tired of coping with emotions that I neither understand, nor want.
To myself, I sound pathetic, but, I honestly can't deny that I've been building up to this for a long time.
Maybe I'm not perfect, maybe I don't try my hardest, or understand why people do things. But, at least I try. I try so hard for the people I know and care about. To be what they ask of me, to listen when they need it. I really do. Yeah, I'm self-pitying, sure. I don't care anymore. I want something good for myself.
I know there are people worse off than me, who don't have a family even one as small as mine, or their's abuse them, and terrible things but...I'm not going to say it touches the surface for me either. It means nothing. Maybe I'm cold-hearted, but, sure, though I'm thankful for what I have, and it could be that I'm greedy for more, honestly, I don't think it's too much for me to want something.
And, I don't think I'm going to find any of the things I need where I am.
I feel like I've turned into someone else, but, I don't want to be me, anyway.
The things I feel, they don't go away. And, maybe I'm just not meant to not hurt, maybe other people are like this, too. Maybe, everyone is.
I don't know what it is, I wish I did I just know that physically it hurts.
I felt better for all of a week...and then the world comes crashing back down. The way everyone acts, and I'm just as bad. I shouldn't judge others, when I hear the gossip, too. Probably no better than any one of them, but it hurts.
People are so cruel to one another. We bitch about our friends, we betray those we care about, we lie, work towards our own gains...there is no trust. I don't trust them anymore because much as I wish I could, I've seen it too many times to think that the people I care about won't hate me, bitch about me, see some fault in me.
The stupid thing is, whoever reads this, will probably think I sound suicidal. Funny thing is, I'd never consider suicide. I like myself too much for that. But, there is nothing I hate more than myself. If I was someone else, and I knew me...I would hate me. As myself, of course I feel upset when epople hate me, but I can actually see why. It's like there's this thing in me...that you just can't like. Sooner or later, you hate me. And, I'll feel like shit, meet new friends...however much later...they hate me, too. I don't know what it is about me that makes people feel that way about me.
I don't even know why I hate myself. or, why, when I look in the mirror I feel sick, so sick.
And yet I induldge in vanity, kidding myself. I bloody well confuse myself trying to be normal. I wonder if I have an actual personality, or not.
I'm pretty sure my mum hates me really, it's just the compulsory love that she has. She has to love me because I'm family. But, not really. I don't know, I just don't. I hate sounding like a silly little emo-chick. I'm not depressed, i don't want to kill myself, my ego is larger than a double decker bus, and I can be the biggest bitch I've ever encountered.
But, at the same time, I feel like it'd all be a lot better off without me there, I loathe what I am, I can't have faith in anything i do or my abilities, and I feel so guilty and obligated to attempt to help people.
I'm probably mental...that'd be my kinda luck.
Or, just a normal teenager.
Evene with that I fail. I don't want to drink, I don't want to drive, I want to live at home for uni because of the financial side, I've never wanted to smoke, or see what drugs are like...none of that pulls at me. Growing up...there's nothing in it that I see as desirable.
I can't even picture myself grown-up. No one else seems to have that problem.
Everyone at school knows...they see a family, a home, work, normal things like that. They assume love, and happiness. The boyfriends they have, it's always forever. they always love them more than anything.
I can't picture a home, or getting married. I can't think that would ever happen to me. I don't see myself ever having children. It doesn't interest me. I want to work, but I want to do my own thing. I don't assume that I'll have love...I doubt I will, or happiness...that'd make a nice change.
Boyfriends...I've never thought of as permenant. I've always seen that there will be an end, I usually manage to pin point it, too. On the most part, inside, I have very few feelings about connections to others.
I want to feel something, I do. Stupid thing is, when I did...I realised it far too late. I didn't expect it. Not one bit. Shocked the hell out of me. And even that's a lost cause, isn't it? I can't expect anything, I don't. I never really did.
People say they care about me, but, really, I don't think that's the case. I think it's what everyone does. They pretend. They say they love someone, they say they care, in any way, but really it's just words with no back-up. Nothing real. Nothing essential to that is there.
There are too many questions I don't know the answers to. It's so frustrating. But, I just wish that, for once, one day, there's just one person...I'm not even saying like...love, just a friend, at least who doesn't hate me the way I am. I don't want to spend my whole life on my own.
Being young doesn't change the fact, that I think I've lost whatever I had.
I wish there was a part in this story, where I could say that, ' and then it turned out, that, in actual fact...' and write an ending to it.
Sadly, I can't. The funny thing is, I would write myself more pain, most probably.
The things I know about, they're not all that useful in every day life.
I'd rather be anywhere but here.
Sometimes, I wish I'd never met someone who managed to make me bloody care. But, I don't, and I do. I want to hate them, but I can't, because...i can't. I think I just ruin things for people.
And, I can't get over that, over that.
Baby, after loving Jack. There's no going back, going back."
Well, I'm back from holiday now. Have been for...a few days now. I got back on New Year's Day, at, surprisingly for me, 2pm. Wow, early!
Anyway, the panto went really well in the end, on the last day.
Even if the day before was a bit...upsetting, I guess you'd call it.
Michael was even more self-obsessed than usual...which is something in itself. God, he's so damned irritating, I want to hit him. Oh, wait, been there, done that.
If he didn't show me once, her showed me no less than fifteen times his new dance move for his part in the panto. He was Prince 'not so' Charming.
We cleared up the blocks afterwards (Laura, David and I)...because everyone else had left! But, it wasn't too much trouble, really. As we were walking back from the Drama studios, Laura and I were walking ahead and, out of the blue I might add, David just went,
"You walk very stylishly, don't you?" To me.
Okay, how to you respond to something like THAT?! I just went 'Um, do I?'
Oh, yes, but Laura found it hilarious. As soon as we were back in the common room and David went to take his make-up off, she started laughing and, according to her it was 'Nerd-Flirting.' Oh great. Just great.
Not.
Anyway, so, as that was the last day of term, we all said goodbye, and went home. I left that night at 7 or something for Wales, and was there for two weeks.
I read, played on the playstation, slept, and watched boxsets. Wow, go me. I'm surprised I'm not fat now.
Got snowed in at one point, too. Oh, fun, fun, fun.
No internet, phone signal or communication with anyone for two weeks. That was just...spiffing.
Got home on the first. No, didn't go to any parties. In fact, I missed, not one, but TWO parties.
Sho's, on the 27th, where we were all gonna stay round at his and make taki yaki and watch crappy movies. Kinda glad I missed it actually. And, Jenna's on New Years Day. Okay, I'm not put out that i missed either...but, I have to pretend to be so that they don't get offended.
So, got home, lucky me and...fell asleep. I like sleep.
Actually had a phonecall, too.
See, I asked him if he would...not actually expecting to keep his...okay, it wasn't exactly a promise, but, whatever. I pretty much have gotten used to the fact that, if I ask something of Jonathan, he 99% of the time won't remember it.
So, imagine my surprise when my phone rang, and I answered to hear his voice. Actually took me a second to get over the shock of him remembering.
Probably shouldn't let him know that...
But, anyway, it was nice of him.
Went back to school on the 4th. God, that was a horrid day. But, I got to read my book, and although I was interrupted every other minute by people, insiting on hugging me, and kissing my cheek. I mean, what is up with that?! Why do girls keep kissing me?!!!! It actually creeps me out, majorly.
Oh, yeah, I've come to the conclusion that I hate women. Because, it's true. yay, Misogynist!
I mean, guys, yeah. But, girls, just no. In fact, most guys, just no. I think boys are scared of me...I guess being weird as I am must put everyone off...except lesbians. How pathetic my life is.
Girls take more interest in me openly, than boys do. The boyfriends I have had...arg...two were idiots, the third used me to vent his anger...with whatever weapon was handy at the time...and the last...it's buckets o' confusing.
Met up with James Linehan on Monday, after school, and he went over the C1 stuff with me, because I fail...as per usual.
But, it was useful, so, here's hoping for next Monday.
Tuesday...had lessons...actually barely spoke to anyone. Then went to Simon's to do Biology exam revision for next week. We got quite a lot of work done, and downloaded some podcasts about the stuff we need to revise so we can listen to them in the background until we remember.
Then we just chatted to Alice on msn. It was hilarious.
So, today, I was supposed to have school but it snowed. So, no school.
I was supposed to meet up with Jonathan...that didn't happen either.
I should stop predicting these things...they always come true.
Bloody still snowing, so I doubt there'll be school tomorrow, either, oh, great. Not.
I don't honestly know what I want out of life anymore, but, one thing I do know is I want out.
As soon as possible.
As soon as I'm old enough to walk out that door and never look back, I'm doing it. Get away from my family, everyone I know, this life. I don't want it anymore. All that seems to happen is one crushing thing after another. I'm reaching a limit here.
And I'm tired. Tired of coping with emotions that I neither understand, nor want.
To myself, I sound pathetic, but, I honestly can't deny that I've been building up to this for a long time.
Maybe I'm not perfect, maybe I don't try my hardest, or understand why people do things. But, at least I try. I try so hard for the people I know and care about. To be what they ask of me, to listen when they need it. I really do. Yeah, I'm self-pitying, sure. I don't care anymore. I want something good for myself.
I know there are people worse off than me, who don't have a family even one as small as mine, or their's abuse them, and terrible things but...I'm not going to say it touches the surface for me either. It means nothing. Maybe I'm cold-hearted, but, sure, though I'm thankful for what I have, and it could be that I'm greedy for more, honestly, I don't think it's too much for me to want something.
And, I don't think I'm going to find any of the things I need where I am.
I feel like I've turned into someone else, but, I don't want to be me, anyway.
The things I feel, they don't go away. And, maybe I'm just not meant to not hurt, maybe other people are like this, too. Maybe, everyone is.
I don't know what it is, I wish I did I just know that physically it hurts.
I felt better for all of a week...and then the world comes crashing back down. The way everyone acts, and I'm just as bad. I shouldn't judge others, when I hear the gossip, too. Probably no better than any one of them, but it hurts.
People are so cruel to one another. We bitch about our friends, we betray those we care about, we lie, work towards our own gains...there is no trust. I don't trust them anymore because much as I wish I could, I've seen it too many times to think that the people I care about won't hate me, bitch about me, see some fault in me.
The stupid thing is, whoever reads this, will probably think I sound suicidal. Funny thing is, I'd never consider suicide. I like myself too much for that. But, there is nothing I hate more than myself. If I was someone else, and I knew me...I would hate me. As myself, of course I feel upset when epople hate me, but I can actually see why. It's like there's this thing in me...that you just can't like. Sooner or later, you hate me. And, I'll feel like shit, meet new friends...however much later...they hate me, too. I don't know what it is about me that makes people feel that way about me.
I don't even know why I hate myself. or, why, when I look in the mirror I feel sick, so sick.
And yet I induldge in vanity, kidding myself. I bloody well confuse myself trying to be normal. I wonder if I have an actual personality, or not.
I'm pretty sure my mum hates me really, it's just the compulsory love that she has. She has to love me because I'm family. But, not really. I don't know, I just don't. I hate sounding like a silly little emo-chick. I'm not depressed, i don't want to kill myself, my ego is larger than a double decker bus, and I can be the biggest bitch I've ever encountered.
But, at the same time, I feel like it'd all be a lot better off without me there, I loathe what I am, I can't have faith in anything i do or my abilities, and I feel so guilty and obligated to attempt to help people.
I'm probably mental...that'd be my kinda luck.
Or, just a normal teenager.
Evene with that I fail. I don't want to drink, I don't want to drive, I want to live at home for uni because of the financial side, I've never wanted to smoke, or see what drugs are like...none of that pulls at me. Growing up...there's nothing in it that I see as desirable.
I can't even picture myself grown-up. No one else seems to have that problem.
Everyone at school knows...they see a family, a home, work, normal things like that. They assume love, and happiness. The boyfriends they have, it's always forever. they always love them more than anything.
I can't picture a home, or getting married. I can't think that would ever happen to me. I don't see myself ever having children. It doesn't interest me. I want to work, but I want to do my own thing. I don't assume that I'll have love...I doubt I will, or happiness...that'd make a nice change.
Boyfriends...I've never thought of as permenant. I've always seen that there will be an end, I usually manage to pin point it, too. On the most part, inside, I have very few feelings about connections to others.
I want to feel something, I do. Stupid thing is, when I did...I realised it far too late. I didn't expect it. Not one bit. Shocked the hell out of me. And even that's a lost cause, isn't it? I can't expect anything, I don't. I never really did.
People say they care about me, but, really, I don't think that's the case. I think it's what everyone does. They pretend. They say they love someone, they say they care, in any way, but really it's just words with no back-up. Nothing real. Nothing essential to that is there.
There are too many questions I don't know the answers to. It's so frustrating. But, I just wish that, for once, one day, there's just one person...I'm not even saying like...love, just a friend, at least who doesn't hate me the way I am. I don't want to spend my whole life on my own.
Being young doesn't change the fact, that I think I've lost whatever I had.
I wish there was a part in this story, where I could say that, ' and then it turned out, that, in actual fact...' and write an ending to it.
Sadly, I can't. The funny thing is, I would write myself more pain, most probably.
The things I know about, they're not all that useful in every day life.
I'd rather be anywhere but here.
Sometimes, I wish I'd never met someone who managed to make me bloody care. But, I don't, and I do. I want to hate them, but I can't, because...i can't. I think I just ruin things for people.
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