It's been ages since I last blogged.
I don't know why i always blog when I'm feeling really low, but I do.
It's weird, I found out that someone I know reads my blog. Which was creepy, and I then went home and had to check what i'd said about them in it...nothing bad, i don't think.
So, basically, my life is a disaster. A complete and utter fuck up.
Ignoring the obvious multitude of faults with myself, here's what else makes life shit today:
Charlie hates me.
Ajay hates me.
Jack S hates me.
Tom groped me in the middle of physics...and hates me.
Jake probably hates me.
Sam seems to hate me now.
I never see my best friend.
I have no friends.
I don't think i actually have feelings anymore...aside from 'deathly' and 'tired'.
I'm always tired...I have the symptoms of anemia.
Sleep is terrible because all i have is nightmares.
The only people I care about couldn't care less about me, never talk to me first, never make en effort and have abandoned me. Probably hate me, too.
I'm starting to think that i sound depressed.
Which is, another reason to be depressed.
I want to cry, all day, until I'm numb and don't feel anything anymore.
If I fail my exams I'll get kicked out of school.
I'm probably too stupid to pass.
I find it hard to breathe...but not in that sense.
I'm going to be alone forever because I depress everyone else.
I just want to be normal, have a few friends, enjoy school...why can't I just let myself? Am I that much of an attention seeker?
The only person I want to talk to about any of this...seemed to worry when i mentioned it...that I'd burden him with my problems.
I can't tell anyone properly how I feel...when I try they come up with all these 'simple' fixed and they don't work...I can't just forget everything I'm feelings.
I feel like I'm in constant emotional overload, and I'm not even happy...I don't fit in, I don't know what to say anymore...or how to be the right thing. And the thing is, no one's ever going to like me for who I am. It's stupid, but, I just want one person, to take the time to remember me out of everyone like friends seem to do to each other...but never to me. I want to feel like a matter a very small amount to one person, and that is mine. Because otherwise...what do I really have?
A family who can't wait to get rid of me.
No talent.
No friends.
No future.
And, even if I had the rest of it...if I don't feel something, what's the point in being alive?
Oh, just fuck it. Let's be superficial and fake. Let's have back-stabbing friends, and a stupid amount of boyfriends. What could go wrong that already hasn't?
Fia had a great birthday party, from my perspective. I enjoyed it. Livvi and Imogen are lovely. :)
And, Holly and I are meeting up over the summer.
James is coming down from Horsham in half-term.
Seeing James Mondo in the summer, too.
Goergia and I are going wild on the twon after exams.
and Graeme and I are going ice-skating once exams are done.
I just need to pass first.
Oh, well, maybe I am depressing...I can understand why Sam would change his mind. Why any guy'd change his mind about me.
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